Thoughts on Chemotherapy (Post-Treatment)

One of the most common questions I got after completing chemotherapy was, “Do you feel better after chemo?” Honestly, no. At least not physically.

Am I supposed to?  Is it supposed to?

Physically, I felt the best after the colon surgery, before starting chemotherapy. I felt so much more energetic. I didn’t realize how much energy the tumor was taking from me.

I knew prior to chemotherapy that it’d be a treatment that will change a lot of things or nothing at all — something I’d never find out since it’s an adjuvant treatment. But I decided to take that precaution anyway.

I’ve busted lots of chemo stigmas and learned some hard truths myself.

I think three of the most challenging things for me from this chemotherapy were: (1) emotional roller coaster, (2) unexpected hair fall, and (3) unexpected long term side effect.

Emotional Roller Coaster

12 rounds of feeling normal for a day, irritable for 2 days, zombie-fied for 4 days, chirpy for a week, repeat. And as I progressed into the treatment, almost every round became longer so before the next normalcy came, I was anxious and tired.

It was challenging because every time I felt I have my world in my hands again, the feeling of empowerment got crushed. Call me naive or what but I always started every chemotherapy cycle feeling I’d be able to conquer it better this round. No surprise, I ended up feeling defeated every time.

Unexpected Hair Fall

Source: Cancer Research UK

When you’re sick, you don’t want to be in the rare category because it’s scarier there. So when only less than 10% of FOLFOX chemotherapy patients experience hair thinning, I was definitely terrified.

Terrified because I’m in the minority.

Terrified because I see a part of me physically leave me every single day for about 7 cycles (16 weeks). I know it also meant  that the drug was doing its job but it just bothered me because it’s visually implanted through my eyes and in my brain.

Unexpected Long Term Side Effect

I don’t remember if I was made aware of any long term side effects prior to the treatment. I didn’t think I would still need to cope with after effects of chemotherapy for years after treatment…until a week before my final cycle.

A month after my last treatment now, I don’t feel the numbness on my hands and legs getting better. It started from tingling fingers and toes. Then to tingling feet. And to numb hands and legs now.

I find it difficult because I feel it every single second of my life, and especially more when I move.

I had mild fever yesterday and I think it made my numbness so much worse, comparable to the tiredness I get from a fresh dose of chemotherapy.

And I’m supposed to get used to this for a couple of years… I just hope I’ve reached the tipping point because I don’t want this to get any worse.

I want to feel alive and not injure myself because I can’t feel myself…

Back to my first topic, “do I feel better (emotionally) after chemotherapy?” I try to.

I try to think that’s it’s all worth it. I hope it really is.

But deep inside, I know that only clear follow up scans can build my confidence over time.

Because as ironic as it may sound, I learned that I’ve become more afraid during my battle to be strong against something called the Big-C.

I’ve become afraid of being normal because I’m afraid my body is too weak for normal.

Hoping that my first scan in 10 months will give me the reassurance I need.

Peacefully waiting for my surgeon’s next advice to find out I have to wait another month before my scan can be scheduled.

For the record, I want to say that the 12 cycles of chemotherapy felt really long and dreadful during the treatment. However, almost immediately after I completed it, I felt like the 6 months flew past in the blink of an eye. It felt like nothing. Strange. But true.

I also wrote about thoughts on chemotherapy pre-treatment 7 months ago. 

2 thoughts on “Thoughts on Chemotherapy (Post-Treatment)”

  1. Hi I was googling on dr Ho and it lead me to your site. Reading this post of yours makes me tear. I’m on my 4th chemo session at the moment with dr ho and I totally feel what you meant on the part bout emotional roller coaster.

    I started this chemo with the thought that I’m younger and I can do this 6 sessions! But now nearing the end but I’m dreading every session because the side effects just seem to get worst.

    I hope to see the light at the end of tunnel soon too. And I hope cancer will not haunt me again after this. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Hi Sabrina! Sorry that you teared 😭. I remember having very mixed feelings too, especially as I saw the impact of chemo on my body. Know that you’re not alone and it’s completely normal. Best thing is, you’re towards the end of chemo and have the next phase of cancer survivorship to look forward to! I pray that cancer stay away from you too. All the best and take care!

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